An extract from The Clearance newsletter 11.7.16
Mrng. They say a week’s a long time in politics but they are idiots so let’s just agree that a week is 7 days whether you’re a politician or an eggplant. However, much can happen in a week, tho generally not much should you be an example of that well known purple botanical species Solanum melongena, but does often apply to politicks (a blood sucking insect generally involved in the pass time briefly touched on in the opening stanza several lines above). Witness the dramas (soap operas?) that have enveloped the global political elite since the last visit to your in-boxes of this engrossing serial:

• Boris Johnson (Anglo Saxon name meaning Donald Trump but with a sillier first name) gets stabbed in the back by his erstwhile brother in arms in the Brexit fiasco & withdraws from the leadership race of the British Conservative party;

  • Michael Gove (motto: he may not say much but what he does say is almost certainly self-interested), former justice secretary & erstwhile bestest friend of the late Boris Johnson, himself gets stabbed in the back as a result of his betrayal above by the last act on Earth of said ex buddy from Oxford who endorses an unknown leadership rival called Who? As a result Gove – who was being lined up to be Chancellor of the Exchequer and/or deputy PM and/or lead negotiator for the article 50 process – is instead considering offers to be Prince Charles’ new mistress;
  • Andrea Leadsom (aka Who?), an MP who comes from Aylesbury (aka Where?) & rose to the heights of junior energy minister (aka What?) to be a leading voice (aka screech) in the leave campaign and who all & sundry assumed would go back to her role as the-one-who-is-always-mistaken-for-the-tea-lady, is now instead – as a result of the dying endorsement of Boris Trump – in the final ballot for Tory party supremacy & could become the UK’s second woman PM (after Margaret Thatcher (aka the lady with the hand bag)) & henceforth would be known as The Lady Without a Teapot;
  • Theresa May (aka the quiet one & you can never trust the quiet ones) sails thru the Brexit campaign offending no one in the establishment (while quietly dividing the country) & as a consequence is odds on to become the UK’s second female PM after the final ballot between her & the other one that looks like the tea lady. The result of the election will be known on September the 9th, an indication of the speed & efficiency of that bastion of Britain from days past, the Royal Mail;
  • Nigel Farage (aka the crazed loon from Downe (actual birth place name – hard to come up from there. Boom boom) with similar views & immigration policies to a certain Herr Hitler, late of Austria & Germany, but without the same lovable bedside manner) celebrates his victory by going to Brussels to abuse his fellow EU MPs (yes, he is an EMP. You might call that ironic) & gloat before returning to the K (the U is shortly to become redundant after all) where he discovered a result of his successful campaign might mean actual work putting said result into action & quit as the leader of UKIP – the United Kingdom Moronic Fascist Raving Loon Party Who Aren’t Good At Acronyms Due To The Membership Of The Entire Party Having A Collective IQ Of 7 – & is now looking for a job as a canal boat in the Midlands;
  • Jeremy Corbyn: (motto: duller than Belgium, greyer than soviet architecture, more lifeless than proto-planet Pluto & sponsored by the Cardigan Marketing Board of Northumberland) fails to fire for the Bremain campaign to the chagrin of his fellow labour MPs who proceed to have a vote of no confidence in his leadership, the result of which is 897,201 – 0 in favour of the motion. Jeremy, however, is undeterred & announces democracy will prevail & that he will remain in his post as leader of the opposition with this hugely increased minority due to the overwhelming support he has from his fellow undead roaming the English landscape;
  • Donald Trump (motto: I like Boris Johnson but the gerbil I keep on my head is a better colour than his & much better behaved) manages to offend Judaism with an attack tweet on Hillary to top up his list of groups who can’t abide him & exacerbates his crime by spending every day since justifying the original tweet;
  • Hillary Clinton (motto: Obama says I’m the most qualified presidential candidate ever. Why didn’t he get out of the way 8 years ago then?) is cleared by not only the justice department for the farcical Benghazi investigation (begun in Salem, Mass, back in the day) but also by the FBI for the more interesting off site email investigation. The FBI decision is a case of pragmatism: if they’d recommended going after her they would have needed to go after Powell & Rice as well as they both acknowledged doing the same thing which would have opened a Pandora’s Box that would never have got closed. & she also finds out she’ll be able to start a knitting club with the leader of what’s left of the nation that America has its “special relationship” with [I wonder if that will get a rise out of that part of the population currently suffering from lack-of-y-chromosomeitis???];
  • The Great Helmsman (aka Gentle Leader, Bosom buddy of Barrack, Close Comrade of Cameron [oddly, the most recent editions of his bio omit any mention of said deposed erstwhile Tory leader], & Foto Bomber of the Rich & Aimless) takes the Housing Inconvenience (crisis? Wot crisis??) head on in a withering display of leadership by blaming it all on the Reserve Bank who – curiously – return serve with a lecture on the difference between Monetary Policy (what they do & do better than anybody else on Earth at the minute) & Fiscal Policy (what JK & his assistant – a Mr Wiremu Pakeha of Dinton – does) & suggested that perhaps Bill & John would like to do something themselves like remove negative gearing (just as well known tax liberal, Mr Ronnie Raygun of California, did back in ’86) & introduce a little bit of real policy on the immigration front rather than schooling them on their job. The Great Helmsman responded brilliantly with a head faint, a winning smile, and a round of “isn’t Paula Bennett only ½ as thick as you all thought then?” before jumping in the Jet Ranger (RSA 1) & heading off to Kauri Cliffs for a quick 18 holes with the visiting celeb du jour;
  • Malcolm Turnbull (motto: I’m way more rich & successful than Don Cheese is in Niu Zeelind & I’m logical & I make decisions & I deposed a 1950s social conservative from the Spanish Inquisition school of Catholicism & I’m up against a corrupt union official named after a alteration tailoring technique yet I can’t get support from my own caucus let alone win a mandate in an election. Wtf is going on?) won’t claim victory in the Ostrayleein election because he doesn’t want to look silly if he doesn’t get an outright majority. This may help to explain his motto…;
  • Bill Shorten (motto: we didn’t get crushed? I’m still leader? Ya kidding! Strewth [Australian catch all for words meaning “goodness”]) still has a job as leader opposing everything & living in the 1950s in Australia as a result of the miracle of first-to-be-hit-with-a-post (note: not the actual name of this sort of voting system but a better description) democracy.
    Yip. & that was just the intro. Just be grateful the world still has eggplants as an offset.

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